"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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