I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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