You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
