proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
