you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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