I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize