DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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