fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
