Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
