I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
