I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
