the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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