We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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