I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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