He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
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All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
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Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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