My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
