So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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