You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
