Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
