the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have aggressive nipples.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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