apparently the secret to your success is patron
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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