So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
