my phone needs a breathalizer
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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