brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
