There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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