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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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