can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
