Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
