Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
