You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Ladies don't puke and tell
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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