my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just had sex on a roof
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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