He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
