The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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