I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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