WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
