I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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