so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
