By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
