Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
