Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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