Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
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Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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