Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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