She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
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No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
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I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
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