Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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