After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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