sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
