i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize
