Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
