Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
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using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
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We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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