happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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