I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
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While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
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How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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