Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
