Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
