I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize